Sometimes life brings you joy in unexpected places. That happened this weekend when I received the tribute below from a dear friend in California. Simone is a poet, a writer, a gifted facilitator, and a genuinely lovely person.
I was honoured that she chose to share this with me, and asked if I could share it with the friends and family that are part of my world.
It will make you cry.
From: "Simone Nelson"
Subject: A tribute to a life long-lived and lived-long
Date sent: Sun, 17 Apr 2005 19:09:15 -0700
Dear all:
Please read if you have a long, contemplative moment. (You have been warned – contains non “light-n-fluffy material)
I can only write that I am very sad at this moment. My amazing 95 year old/young grandmother died today. That’s right – 95 years old. Yes of course given her age, I have been contemplating her mortality (probably since her 80th birthday party which I remember clearly while on break from College). But no matter how much contemplation – given her healthiness over the years – it was hard to imagine her ever not being.
My father threw her a 95th Birthday party for her in January because we all saw her slipping away from us in the last several months. He believed that this would be the last time to celebrate her with family. Relatives flew in from across the country to see her. I am not sure she remembered them all but she was so happy and so loved and how lovely that she could see so many who loved her once more on a happy occasion. I have attached a picture of that day just a few short months ago. I have also attached a photo taken only 6 months before that – this past July – right when I returned from my trekking adventure in India. It’s amazing how much she changed from July to January when you look at those photos.
Such is the human body – almost as indomitable as the human spirit – for my grandmother was the strongest, toughest little woman with a real life living attitude. “What’s the use of complaining?” She’d say in that funny accented way. I always told her how much I wanted to be like her when I got older. She was still struttin’ around in heels until recently and about 2 weeks ago had a perm, her nails done and went to play her usual bingo (walking across the street!). That still makes me smile.
For those who read this who have had the chance to meet her, to know her or even hear me talk about her: you know that this 4 foot nothing russian babushka, this last of the living of her generation of Nelson’s, this widow of 40 years, this grandmother to 7, great grandmother to 3, this great source of unending love for her family no matter what…you know that the loss is great indeed.
I loved her dearly. My father has been taking care of her in one way or another since his father died many years before I was born. She has been a part of my life for many important occassions like the traditional grandmother was – once – when the family all lived together or near. This is also perhaps a tribute to my father and his life long love and care (whether she drove him crazy or not) of his mother.
When I saw her last she was very frail and more in the throes of dementia than I’d seen before. But her words echo still in my head as they did that day (because she repeated them 20 times at least!) “You look beautiful.” “You should only be happy.” “You look beautiful.” “I love you.” “I love you.” “I love you.”
She had a blessedly long life. She lived basically by herself remarkably until LAST WEEK. She did not suffer great pain, depression or sadness in the end. She just let her body shut itself down, naturally, like when a watch needs to be re-wound but isn’t, the last slow revolutions turn and then there is silence.
We should all be so blessed in life and death.
So I am very sad but also smiling when I think of her – which I do – and I know will – often.
For those I have not spoken to or seen in a while for a variety of reasons (hmmm….), I still felt compelled to share this news.
Below is a poem called THE DASH which a very dear friend told me of just this morning – before my grandmother had died. It makes me remember how my grandmother lived ALL those years (95!!) in between the dash and how important the living of life to the fullest is and was to her and how you should spend it in care and consideration of those you hold dear. Easy to say, I know. Hard to do and remember.
Let’s remember it today, okay??? Let’s do that in honor of my Grandmother whether you knew her or not. You know me – so it’s one degree of separation.
I also included a portion of Part I Allen Ginsberg’s epic masterpiece KADDISH that he wrote following his mother Naomi’s death. His mother was also a russian-jewish immigrant who lived in New York and then moved to New Jersey just like my Grandmother Sonya. Her husband’s name was also Max like my Grandfather’s. She was a bit older than my grandmother, was a die-hard communist and went insane – so uh – the similiarities end at the russian-jewish-Max-NY-NJ thing, okay?
Ironically, the same friend who told me about The Dash was also the person with whom I created a beautiful tribute to Allen Ginsberg at his own memorial service in San Francisco (how long ago now? 10 years???). She was asked to create some sort of tribute and I was honored that she asked me to create it with her. We had poets and artists artfully winding through Temple Emanuel reciting, reading, weeping, singing this poem KADDISH before the service began. It was moving. It was powerful. It was a sight. It was sounds. It was something Ginsberg would have loved. I don’t think my Grandmother would have gotten a kick out of it or understood it and certainly recently given her hearing…she probably would not have heard it! But she was “up for anything” – even seeing me in plays just this past May (risque ones mind you!).
But for you grandma, I say the Kaddish today. The Kaddish is The Prayer for The Dead in the Jewish Religion. For you I pray and say goodbye and I love you.
THE DASH
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of his friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning . . . to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth . . .
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars . . . the house . . . the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard . . .
are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left.
(You could be at “dash mid-range.”)
If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile . . .
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read
with your life’s actions to rehash . . .
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?
FROM KADDISH, PART I by Allen Ginsberg
Strange now to think of you, gone without corsets & eyes, while I walk on
the sunny pavement of Greenwich Village.
downtown Manhattan, clear winter noon, and I’ve been up all night, talking,
talking, reading the Kaddish aloud, listening to Ray Charles blues
shout blind on the phonograph
the rhythm the rhythm–and your memory in my head three years after–
And read Adonais’ last triumphant stanzas aloud–wept, realizing
how we suffer–
And how Death is that remedy all singers dream of, sing, remember,
prophesy as in the Hebrew Anthem, or the Buddhist Book of An-
swers–and my own imagination of a withered leaf–at dawn–
Dreaming back thru life, Your time–and mine accelerating toward Apoca-
lypse,
the final moment–the flower burning in the Day–and what comes after,
looking back on the mind itself that saw an American city
a flash away, and the great dream of Me or China, or you and a phantom
Russia, or a crumpled bed that never existed–
like a poem in the dark–escaped back to Oblivion–
No more to say, and nothing to weep for but the Beings in the Dream,
trapped in its disappearance,
sighing, screaming with it, buying and selling pieces of phantom, worship-
ping each other,
worshipping the God included in it all–longing or inevitability?–while it
lasts, a Vision–anything more?
It leaps about me, as I go out and walk the street, look back over my shoulder,
Seventh Avenue, the battlements of window office buildings shoul-
dering each other high, under a cloud, tall as the sky an instant–and
the sky above–an old blue place.
or down the Avenue to the south, to–as I walk toward the Lower East Side
–where you walked 50 years ago, little girl–from Russia, eating the
first poisonous tomatoes of America frightened on the dock
then struggling in the crowds of Orchard Street toward what?–toward
Newark–
toward candy store, first home-made sodas of the century, hand-churned ice
cream in backroom on musty brownfloor boards–
Toward education marriage nervous breakdown, operation, teaching school,
and learning to be mad, in a dream–what is this life?
Toward the Key in the window–and the great Key lays its head of light
on top of Manhattan, and over the floor, and lays down on the
sidewalk–in a single vast beam, moving, as I walk down First toward
the Yiddish Theater–and the place of poverty
you knew, and I know, but without caring now–Strange to have moved
thru Paterson, and the West, and Europe and here again,
with the cries of Spaniards now in the doorstops doors and dark boys on
the street, firs escapes old as you
–Tho you’re not old now, that’s left here with me–
Myself, anyhow, maybe as old as the universe–and I guess that dies with
us–enough to cancel all that comes–What came is gone forever
every time–
That’s good! That leaves it open for no regret–no fear radiators, lacklove,
torture even toothache in the end–
Though while it comes it is a lion that eats the soul–and the lamb, the soul,
in us, alas, offering itself in sacrifice to change’s fierce hunger–hair
and teeth–and the roar of bonepain, skull bare, break rib, rot-skin,
braintricked Implacability.
Ai! ai! we do worse! We are in a fix! And you’re out, Death let you out,
Death had the Mercy, you’re done with your century, done with
God, done with the path thru it–Done with yourself at last–Pure
–Back to the Babe dark before your Father, before us all–before the
world–
There, rest. No more suffering for you. I know where you’ve gone, it’s good.
No more flowers in the summer fields of New York, no joy now, no more
fear of Louis,
and no more of his sweetness and glasses, his high school decades, debts,
loves, frightened telephone calls, conception beds, relatives, hands–
No more of sister Elanor,–she gone before you–we kept it secret you
killed her–or she killed herself to bear with you–an arthritic heart
–But Death’s killed you both–No matter–
Nor your memory of your mother, 1915 tears in silent movies weeks and
weeks–forgetting, agrieve watching Marie Dressler address human-
ity, Chaplin dance in youth,
or Boris Godunov, Chaliapin’s at the Met, halling his voice of a weeping Czar
–by standing room with Elanor & Max–watching also the Capital
ists take seats in Orchestra, white furs, diamonds,
with the YPSL’s hitch-hiking thru Pennsylvania, in black baggy gym skirts
pants, photograph of 4 girls holding each other round the waste, and
laughing eye, too coy, virginal solitude of 1920
all girls grown old, or dead now, and that long hair in the grave–lucky to
have husbands later–
You made it–I came too–Eugene my brother before (still grieving now and
will gream on to his last stiff hand, as he goes thru his cancer–or kill
–later perhaps–soon he will think–)
And it’s the last moment I remember, which I see them all, thru myself, now
–tho not you
I didn’t foresee what you felt–what more hideous gape of bad mouth came
first–to you–and were you prepared?
To go where? In that Dark–that–in that God? a radiance? A Lord in the
Void? Like an eye in the black cloud in a dream? Adonoi at last, with
you?
Beyond my remembrance! Incapable to guess! Not merely the yellow skull
in the grave, or a box of worm dust, and a stained ribbon–Deaths-
head with Halo? can you believe it?
Is it only the sun that shines once for the mind, only the flash of existence,
than none ever was?
Nothing beyond what we have–what you had–that so pitiful–yet Tri-
umph,
to have been here, and changed, like a tree, broken, or flower–fed to the
ground–but made, with its petals, colored, thinking Great Universe,
shaken, cut in the head, leaf stript, hid in an egg crate hospital, cloth
wrapped, sore–freaked in the moon brain, Naughtless.
No flower like that flower, which knew itself in the garden, and fought the
knife–lost
Cut down by an idiot Snowman’s icy–even in the Spring–strange ghost
thought some–Death–Sharp icicle in his hand–crowned with old
roses–a dog for his eyes–cock of a sweatshop–heart of electric
irons.
All the accumulations of life, that wear us out–clocks, bodies, consciousness,
shoes, breasts–begotten sons–your Communism–’Paranoia’ into
hospitals.
You once kicked Elanor in the leg, she died of heart failure later. You of
stroke. Asleep? within a year, the two of you, sisters in death. Is
Elanor happy?
Max grieves alive in an office on Lower Broadway, lone large mustache over
midnight Accountings, not sure. His life passes–as he sees–and
what does he doubt now? Still dream of making money, or that might
have made money, hired nurse, had children, found even your Im-
mortality, Naomi?
I’ll see him soon. Now I’ve got to cut through to talk to you as I didn’t
when you had a mouth.
Forever. And we’re bound for that, Forever like Emily Dickinson’s horses
–headed to the End.
They know the way–These Steeds–run faster than we think–it’s our own
life they cross–and take with them.
Magnificent, mourned no more, marred of heart, mind behind, mar-
ried dreamed, mortal changed–Ass and face done with murder.
In the world, given, flower maddened, made no Utopia, shut under
pine, almed in Earth, blamed in Lone, Jehovah, accept.
Nameless, One Faced, Forever beyond me, beginningless, endless,
Father in death. Tho I am not there for this Prophecy, I am unmarried, I’m
hymnless, I’m Heavenless, headless in blisshood I would still adore
Thee, Heaven, after Death, only One blessed in Nothingness, not
light or darkness, Dayless Eternity–
Take this, this Psalm, from me, burst from my hand in a day, some
of my Time, now given to Nothing–to praise Thee–But Death
This is the end, the redemption from Wilderness, way for the Won-
derer, House sought for All, black handkerchief washed clean by weeping
–page beyond Psalm–Last change of mine and Naomi–to God’s perfect
Darkness–Death, stay thy phantoms!
II
Over and over–refrain–of the Hospitals–still haven’t written your
history–leave it abstract–a few images
run thru the mind–like the saxophone chorus of houses and years–
From Collected Poems 1947-1980 by Allen Ginsberg, published by Harper & Row. Copyright © 1984 by Allen Ginsberg.