What is it about nipples? In the US they fine TV stations for inadvertently showing Janet Jackson’s during a program that includes grown men patting each other’s asses. Some websites make a great big deal out of chance glimpses of celebrity tits.

Ah, but the nipple still has its place in Art.

The Nipple Project asks:

Send us your nipple! Submit your own hand-made artistic interpretation of your nipple or of someone’s nipple you love. Send us a nipple made out any material that can be woven or sewn into a large wall installation. We are creating a community based art installation consisting of 3-dimensional craft media such as knitting, crocheting, beading, sewing, and felting. Other alternative materials such as gourds, leather, metal, wood and other fibers are welcomed. The final piece will include all of the nipple submissioins sewn, wired or stitched together to create a large hanging wall installation.

A glorious idea and celebration of the first body part to which most people enjoy an intimate connection. Some people though, like certain members of the crochetcrochet journal, are less amused:

Just thought I’d mention that this is offensive, uncalled for, and only very very very loosely related to crochet.

Wow, first pudgy old Sir Paul, now Morrissey is up in arms over the annual Newfoundland seal hunt.

I won’t get into the question of whether beating baby seal pups to death with a club is in any way useful or even acceptable behaviour, but I will suggest that a boycott by Morrissey is neither important nor newsworthy.

Even for the New Musical Express, which covered this story.

Then again, the artist himself seems to understand this.

“I fully realise that the absence of any Morrissey concerts in Canada is unlikely to bring the Canadian economy to its knees, but it is our small protest against this horrific slaughter – which is the largest slaughter of marine animal species found anywhere on the planet,” the singer said. “The Canadian Prime Minister says the so-called ‘cull’ is economically and environmentally justified, but this is untrue.”

You are correct on both counts Mr Morrissey. A boycott won’t have much impact beyond those few true fans. And Stephen Harper is unlikely to care about cuddly little seal pups. Then again he doesn’t seem to care about the people who harvest them either, as evidenced by this quote:

“There’s unfortunately a view of too many people in Atlantic Canada that it’s only through government favours that there’s going to be economic progress…” Harper had said … “The kind of can’t-do attitude is a problem in this country but it’s obviously more serious in regions that have had have-not status for a long time.”

More than a few entertainment writers journalists have been commenting on Tom Hanks’ decidely ucky “DaVinci Code” hairdo. Bizarre theories are circulating, not the least of which is that it’s a mullet.

Oh, those navel gazing American writers. We Canadians of course recognize the do as that of Canadian literary icon Mordecai Richler.

Perhaps Hanks is planning to mount a remake of The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz?

Mullet indeed….

OK, I’ll acknowledge that in 2001 a lot of organizations, especially government organizations, really hadn’t figured out that Internet thing.

Still, you would think that at some time during the ensuing five years someone would have noticed the URL on this sign – at Mount Nemo – and would have done something to fix it.

I do like the way that they underlined the URL so that you would know that it’s a hyperlink.

You know, I’m finding that William Shatner is starting to grow on me. Not as a singer, and not as an actor, and not as an author, but in terms of his sheer willingness to market himself via cereal ads, self-mockery, and novel merchandising ideas.

The William Shatner DVD Club provides you with a selection of rare and compelling Sci-Fi, Fantasy & Horror films, personally selected by William Shatner, that you can own for less than the cost of a rental.

“There is nothing quite as exhilarating as discovering a Sci-Fi, Fantasy or Horror classic-to-be that has gone unnoticed by the general movie watching population. I’ve personally chosen a select group of movies that were entertaining, original, and memorable to share with you. I hope that you enjoy them as much as I did.”

Just to be clear, these are films that Bill selects, not just those that feature him.

Really, is this in the least surprising? From the Toronto Star, via the Huffington Post.

Remember the whiny, insecure kid in nursery school, the one who always thought everyone was out to get him, and was always running to the teacher with complaints? Chances are he grew up to be a conservative.

At least, he did if he was one of 95 kids from the Berkeley area that social scientists have been tracking for the last 20 years. The confident, resilient, self-reliant kids mostly grew up to be liberals.

The study from the Journal of Research Into Personality isn’t going to make the UC Berkeley professor who published it any friends on the right. Similar conclusions a few years ago from another academic saw him excoriated on right-wing blogs, and even led to a Congressional investigation into his research funding.

Haven’t found the actual paper, but the Journal web site is here.

My post describing the changes to my home town of Kelowna led Bill Doskoch to comment:

No-o-o-o, not Ogopogo!

When I was a boy, an uncle of my dad’s was retired in Vernon, and we used to go down for a visit every fall.

No such visit was complete without seeing the little Ogopogo statue in Kelowna!

I grew up with that statue, and on the last visit I swore that it was a different sea monster sitting at the foot of Bernard Avenue across from the Paramount Theatre. People actually told me that it had been replaced.

A half hour searching the web turned up nothing though, so I have a hunch that what actually happened was a new and garish paint job. Check out what seem to be “before” and “after” pictures. Plus they filled in Ogopogo’s “pond”.

Pretty much totally unrelated was this item that turned up, describing a banjo playing variant of our little aquatic buddy.

Details: A pixie-headed, banjo-playing monster.

Location: Canada

Strengths: Can swim swiftly through water.

Weaknesses: No recorded accounts of any attacks, despite bumping into humans on several occasions.

That led me to a page by Eric Shackle which includes the lyrics to “The Ogo-Pogo, the Funny Foxtrot”

This English music-hall song from 1924, The Ogo-Pogo: The Funny Fox-Trot, is thought to have inspired the name of Canada’s Ogopogo. It was played by the Savoy Havana Band; composed by Mark Strong, words by Cumberland Clark:

One fine day in Hindustan, I met a funny little man. With googly eyes and lantern jaws, a new silk hat and some old plus-fours. When I said to that quaint old chap “Why do you carry that big steel trap, that butterfly net and that rusty gun?” He replied “Listen here my son:
I’m looking for the ogo-pogo
That funny little ogo-pogo.
His mother was an earwig, his father was a whale,
And I want to put a little salt on his tail.
I want to find the ogo-pogo
While he’s playing on his old banjo.
For the Lord Mayor of London,
The Lord Mayor of London,
Wants to put him in the Lord Mayor’s show.

Upon his banjo night and day,
The ogo-pogo likes to play.
He charms the snakes and chimpanzees,
The big baboons and the bumblebees.
Lions and tigers begin to roar
“Play that melody just once more.
Do I hear the sound of an old banjo?
Pardon me I shall have to go, for

I’m looking for the ogo-pogo,
That funny little ogo-pogo.
His mother was an earwig, his father was a whale,
And I want to put a little salt on his tail,
For the Lord Mayor of London
Wants to put him in the Lord Mayor’s show.

“Greengrocer’s apostrophe” is a charming British term for the misuse of punctuation in commercial signage and other places. My favorite example was a sign outside of a bar on Granville Street in Vancouver which promised that inside you could enjoy:

Dancing

Girl’s

Dancing girl’s what I never did find out….

Since that time time I have seen hundreds of signs that suggest to me that sign makers should be prohibited from using either words or grammar.

Then again you can’t entirely blame the sign maker. What would possess a person or business to accept a sign like the one below, found on Sheppard Avenue in Toronto.

Even more confusing is realizing that just around the corner on the same sign post was a duplicate of that sign panel with the word “management” spelled correctly.

(MPS is a Korean company that sells a variety of infrared health gadgets, including the MPS Capsule DIMA and the MPS Home Sauna. The latter is recommended for:

* Those who concern to feel burdened on heart* Those who suffer from adult diseases or troubles due to the polluted environment and persistent stress* Entertainers and career women who apply heavy make-up* Businessmen and executive managers* Students preparing for an examination, and professionals in mental work* Those who are afraid to take a sauna because of their heart conditions)

I can’t claim to have an MBA, but I still believe that certain things are self evident.

Happy customers bring you more business.

Word of mouth is the best advertising.

It’s cheaper to maintain an existing customer than it is to find a new one.

Sometimes you just need to admit that you made a mistake.

Sadly I can count on the thumbs of one hand the number of companies that believe these things. One of them is Magma Communications in Ottawa.

I’ve relied on Magma for many years for my web hosting, e-mail, dial-up, and DSL service. They’re far from the cheapest, but their service is second to none.

In particular you can call them any time of the day or night and talk to a real live technical support person who a) seems to care about helping you, b) really knows what he or she is talking about, and c) solves problems quickly.

No thirty minutes on “hold”. No blaming other companies. No evasion. And certainly no attempt to blame the customer or to insult them.

Amazing for a company that’s owned by Primus Canada.

Consequently I was gobsmacked this month when I found myself without DSL access for two weeks.

I had arrived home from Seattle, and couldn’t get a connection.

I tried the usual things – resetting hardware, changing cables, testing and checking passwords, all to no avail. Something was wrong, and it wasn’t at my end.

I called Magma support. They picked up on the second ring, and after double checking the really obvious user errors ran a quick check for line sync.

Four minutes into the call they surmised that probably the problem was with Bell Canada and that they would open a support ticket with them.

Here’s the important part of the story.

Even though Magma, Primus, Sprint, and a dozen other companies will sell you DSL service, what they’re really doing is reselling Bell service. Or, if I understand correctly, the services provided by another BCE company, Nexxia. Even Bell Sympatico buys DSL from Nexxia.

As noted previously, BCE lacks even the slightest interest in customer service, especially in products for which they hold a monopoly. Apparently this disdain for customers extends to some reasonably large ones like Magma.

Troubleshooting a DSL connection problem at Magma goes something like this.

a) Customer phones Magma Support

b) Magma tech does some basic troubleshooting and checks the line sync quality.

c) If that doesn’t do it the Tech will issue a repair ticket to Bell Nexxia.

Time elapsed: 8-10 minutes

d) Bell Nexxia refuses to look at the repair tickets for a minimum of two, and probably three or more days. During that time no-one, not the end user, not Magma, is allowed to contact Bell to see if anything is happening.

e) Bell fixes something

f) Bell phones end user to tell them that they fixed something.

g) Bell does not phone Magma to tell them the same thing.

h) Bell closes ticket ’cause they’ve surely fixed it.

i) Magma and end user wait two more days until Bell officially tells Magma what they did.

j) DSL still doesn’t work. Magma submits another repair ticket to Bell Nexxia

k) Go to Step d)

In other words, the actual time spent troubleshooting and fixing problems is minutes. The time spent waiting for Bell to get off their ass and address issues is calculated in days.

At the end of two weeks I fired off a scorching letter to Magma. At the same time I received a replacement modem.

When this immediately solved the problem I dropped them a note expressing my pissed offedness at the fact that I had suggested a modem problem a week earlier and had been ignored.

Now, the amazing part:

A call from someone higher up the Magma food chain who apologized (as had a number of people), who acknowledged that the problem had not been well handled, and who tells me that they are actually changing their policies based on my experience so that it will be possible to swap in a new modem early on in the process instead of only after two weeks of Bell hell.

Yes, they listen to customers and take them seriously.

Sadly I told him, I had already called Cogeco cable to order up cable modem service. I simply couldn’t risk another two week outage. He said that he could understand that.

I promised to mail both modems back to them as soon as the new service was in place.

I had called Cogeco a day or two earlier to have cable modem service installed.

The cogeco phone drone booked a day, and time, and I sat through the ten minute recorded EULA. I found it bizarre that they demanded cash or a cheque at the time of install. Since I already subscribe to Cogeco cable that seemed rather stupid.

Well, this morning came and went with no installer. At an hour after the agreed upon window I phoned them.

After trying to tell me that I hadn’t booked an install, and (I swear) asking if I was sure that I had phoned Cogeco and not someone else, they “found” a record of the call, but no sign of the install order.

The phone drone offered no suggestions, made no attempt to solve the problem, just a dull “huh…” response that suggests that this sort of thing is the norm at Cogeco.

I told them thanks, but no thanks. I’m outa here.

And as of this moment, I’m still using DSL provided by Magma Communications.

Thirty minute wait times on hold. “Support” people who literally know nothing. Cellular coverage that excludes ALL of British Columbia outside of Vancouver. Incredibly RUDE employees.

I finally mailed back the phone and am now duking it out over whether I’ll pay the $200 cancellation charge.

Here’s my farewell letter to them:

January 12, 2006

Edmund (Ted) Chislett, President
PRIMUS Canada
5343 Dundas St. West, Suite 600
Etobicoke, ON M9B 6K5

Re: Cellular account # XXX-XXX-XXXX

Dear Mr. Chislett,

Enclosed please find one Sony/Ericsson cel phone and associated items. Please cancel this service entirely and cease charging me for it.

I have been a Primus long distance customer for many years, and always enjoyed that service. I foolishly assumed that your wireless service would also be good.

Instead I found myself in nightmare from which there appears to be no relief.

1) Any time that I have called your Customer “Service” I have been placed on hold for a minimum of twenty minutes, and more usually for thirty or more. This includes my initial call to activate the enclosed phone.

I have tried calling at off hours, in the evening, and during the day, with the same impossible delays. I simply will not accept that level of neglect from any company.

E-mails to your company are generally not answered, just ignored, and on those occasions when I received a reply it almost invariably was one that showed that the correspondent hadn’t even read what was sent.

(more…)

This week’s DVD for kids has been “My Ghost Dog“, a direct-to-video looking release* whose best known cast member is Russ Tamblyn. The story is about a kid, an evil aunt, and a dog who gets killed off and comes back as a ghostly prescence to save the day.

The film itself left something to be desired, although the kids have watched the funny parts ten times. The credits though contain un unexpected surprise.

Like anyone who attended film school I have been taught to always read the credits. Maybe someone that I know will show up.

So I’m sitting on the sofa, watching names roll by on screen, through the cast, to the Important crew, to the Lesser crew, down to the Set Dresser.

Then suddenly I see:

Cross Dresser Ed Wood

Priceless….. almost worth the price of admission.

* Low budget? The talking dog is central to the whole plot, but they were too cheap to animate his mouth so that it would move when the words came out.

We live in an age when employees are seen as one more disposable asset, when an employer’s loyalty to their workers is largely a thing of the past. I believe that the “disposable, replaceable employee” mentality is shortsighted and does companies more damage than good, but then again I also refuse to believe in the need to compete with the lowest bidders in the “global marketplace.”

Yes, I think that protecting the jobs of people in my own town, province or country is more important than driving up the profits of the multinationals that own every business of consequence.

In the endless waves of “downsizing”, “right-sizing”, “redundancies”, and “insert MBA euphemism here” that have occurred over the last two decades, we seldom hear the stories of the people whose lives are damaged or destroyed by these actions. Journalist Bill Doskoch though has written an account of his firing during the Regina Leader-Post’s massive 1996 downsizing during the Conrad Black era.

At this exact same time of day a decade ago, I can remember what I was doing: Having a surprisingly cheery beer with my suddenly ex-colleagues about 5½ hours after one of the biggest downsizings in Canadian newspaper history. …

By the time I arrived at the Queensbury Downs Centre around 11 a.m., however, I felt pretty much at peace with whatever was going to happen.

Walking in, I saw reporters from CP, BN and the local broadcast outlets — all looking like they were covering an execution that bright, frosty morning. “Wow, we’re the news this morning!” I thought.

At the main doors, you had to go to a registration desk, where pleasant, smiling, vacant young women from a consulting company named Deloitte and Touche (better known as Toilet and Douche) would directly you to either Salons A, B, C or D.

I got sent to D, which was almost instantly nicknamed the Death Room.

Do take the time to read Bill’s entire account.